tossino

Lately, I seem to be in a constant state of slightly panicking.

I have been pondering over my flaws a lot, and I guess that's connected. I'm loud, I'm perhaps a bit too touchy-feely, I'm lazy, short-tempered even while infinitely patient, and I get stupidly jealous and possessive. Those are mainly minor things, but then there are also such things like being unable to keep check on myself, and being such a going-with-the-flow and almost indifferent person that when there are actual issues I generally don't see them until someone points them out. I'm optimistic to the point that I prefer closing my eyes and shutting my ears while telling myself that whatever issues I finally see will fix themselves.

I'm kind of working on these things, but that's another matter than what's currently on my mind, because they are rather things that stop me from sorting stuff out.

Lately, I've gotten better at both managing my time and spreading things out reasonably rather than procrastinate every single thing until I can't put it up anymore. I've gotten better at getting to sleep on time, but the amount of time I actually care enough to has been decreasing. At the same time that I've gotten quite a lot better at managing hobbies and schoolwork, everything else seems to be suffering.

A part of me wishes I could just take a break from everything. I'm honestly getting tired of obligations. I can only do so much with the obligations I have, because that's where all my energy goes. But I can't exactly just ignore everything. School stuff isn't going to go away, and I can't postpone it for a time, really, because this is my last term before university so I kind of... need to get a grip, rather.

That's not the biggest issue, though, because I'm managing somehow, but then comes all the other things I need to do; I need to look up schools, I need to change my habits because they're bad and I fear I'm slowly ruining my teeth and my body because of them and they're wasting money, I need to exercise more, I need to do this and I need to do that-- And the worst part about it is that this means obligations. They're all things I need to do to feel better, and to get anywhere good, but I don't want to, and I don't really know how much time I really have, and university stuff certainly isn't going to wait for me. I was going to do it during my Christmas break but then I didn't. And I get more angry at myself every fucking time.

Oh, and most of all? I need to calm the fuck down, because my body can't relax but, oh, what does that mean? Obligations, because that means I need to find time to relax, to listen to music or meditate or take more time with sleeping routines or. Something. And, it's actually not that I don't have time, because I do, I just can't... get myself to use this because I need to control myself, and that means effort, and I don't want effort.

I seem to be stuck in this evil spiral of needing to get a grip and needing to fix things and needing to work on stuff, myself most importantly, but then not having the energy to beyond schoolwork and my hobbies (that I need, good god).

I'm not looking for asspats, or pity, or anything, but I think... I needed to get that out. Maybe some advice would be helpful but, honestly, it's not that I don't know what I can and need to do. I just... don't do it. And no one can really deal with that but myself, right?

Ugh.