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A glimpse into the head of Toss? I guess
Lately, I seem to be in a constant state of slightly panicking.
I have been pondering over my flaws a lot, and I guess that's connected. I'm loud, I'm perhaps a bit too touchy-feely, I'm lazy, short-tempered even while infinitely patient, and I get stupidly jealous and possessive. Those are mainly minor things, but then there are also such things like being unable to keep check on myself, and being such a going-with-the-flow and almost indifferent person that when there are actual issues I generally don't see them until someone points them out. I'm optimistic to the point that I prefer closing my eyes and shutting my ears while telling myself that whatever issues I finally see will fix themselves.
I'm kind of working on these things, but that's another matter than what's currently on my mind, because they are rather things that stop me from sorting stuff out.
Lately, I've gotten better at both managing my time and spreading things out reasonably rather than procrastinate every single thing until I can't put it up anymore. I've gotten better at getting to sleep on time, but the amount of time I actually care enough to has been decreasing. At the same time that I've gotten quite a lot better at managing hobbies and schoolwork, everything else seems to be suffering.
A part of me wishes I could just take a break from everything. I'm honestly getting tired of obligations. I can only do so much with the obligations I have, because that's where all my energy goes. But I can't exactly just ignore everything. School stuff isn't going to go away, and I can't postpone it for a time, really, because this is my last term before university so I kind of... need to get a grip, rather.
That's not the biggest issue, though, because I'm managing somehow, but then comes all the other things I need to do; I need to look up schools, I need to change my habits because they're bad and I fear I'm slowly ruining my teeth and my body because of them and they're wasting money, I need to exercise more, I need to do this and I need to do that-- And the worst part about it is that this means obligations. They're all things I need to do to feel better, and to get anywhere good, but I don't want to, and I don't really know how much time I really have, and university stuff certainly isn't going to wait for me. I was going to do it during my Christmas break but then I didn't. And I get more angry at myself every fucking time.
Oh, and most of all? I need to calm the fuck down, because my body can't relax but, oh, what does that mean? Obligations, because that means I need to find time to relax, to listen to music or meditate or take more time with sleeping routines or. Something. And, it's actually not that I don't have time, because I do, I just can't... get myself to use this because I need to control myself, and that means effort, and I don't want effort.
I seem to be stuck in this evil spiral of needing to get a grip and needing to fix things and needing to work on stuff, myself most importantly, but then not having the energy to beyond schoolwork and my hobbies (that I need, good god).
I'm not looking for asspats, or pity, or anything, but I think... I needed to get that out. Maybe some advice would be helpful but, honestly, it's not that I don't know what I can and need to do. I just... don't do it. And no one can really deal with that but myself, right?
Ugh.
I have been pondering over my flaws a lot, and I guess that's connected. I'm loud, I'm perhaps a bit too touchy-feely, I'm lazy, short-tempered even while infinitely patient, and I get stupidly jealous and possessive. Those are mainly minor things, but then there are also such things like being unable to keep check on myself, and being such a going-with-the-flow and almost indifferent person that when there are actual issues I generally don't see them until someone points them out. I'm optimistic to the point that I prefer closing my eyes and shutting my ears while telling myself that whatever issues I finally see will fix themselves.
I'm kind of working on these things, but that's another matter than what's currently on my mind, because they are rather things that stop me from sorting stuff out.
Lately, I've gotten better at both managing my time and spreading things out reasonably rather than procrastinate every single thing until I can't put it up anymore. I've gotten better at getting to sleep on time, but the amount of time I actually care enough to has been decreasing. At the same time that I've gotten quite a lot better at managing hobbies and schoolwork, everything else seems to be suffering.
A part of me wishes I could just take a break from everything. I'm honestly getting tired of obligations. I can only do so much with the obligations I have, because that's where all my energy goes. But I can't exactly just ignore everything. School stuff isn't going to go away, and I can't postpone it for a time, really, because this is my last term before university so I kind of... need to get a grip, rather.
That's not the biggest issue, though, because I'm managing somehow, but then comes all the other things I need to do; I need to look up schools, I need to change my habits because they're bad and I fear I'm slowly ruining my teeth and my body because of them and they're wasting money, I need to exercise more, I need to do this and I need to do that-- And the worst part about it is that this means obligations. They're all things I need to do to feel better, and to get anywhere good, but I don't want to, and I don't really know how much time I really have, and university stuff certainly isn't going to wait for me. I was going to do it during my Christmas break but then I didn't. And I get more angry at myself every fucking time.
Oh, and most of all? I need to calm the fuck down, because my body can't relax but, oh, what does that mean? Obligations, because that means I need to find time to relax, to listen to music or meditate or take more time with sleeping routines or. Something. And, it's actually not that I don't have time, because I do, I just can't... get myself to use this because I need to control myself, and that means effort, and I don't want effort.
I seem to be stuck in this evil spiral of needing to get a grip and needing to fix things and needing to work on stuff, myself most importantly, but then not having the energy to beyond schoolwork and my hobbies (that I need, good god).
I'm not looking for asspats, or pity, or anything, but I think... I needed to get that out. Maybe some advice would be helpful but, honestly, it's not that I don't know what I can and need to do. I just... don't do it. And no one can really deal with that but myself, right?
Ugh.
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Ahem.
/proceeds to apply an infinite amount of hugs.
I'm terrible at giving advice, and at saying things that might be useful or comforting, but I wanted to say that I have a little bit of this problem myself. The whole dealing with obligations thing.
Is there any way you can focus on one thing at a time? Not that you should ignore everything else for the sake of that one thing, but I feel like trying to do everything at once just makes it more overwhelming and less likely that anything will get done. Put most of your attention towards that one thing, and maybe try working on the others when you remember? It's what I do. Otherwise I either end up feeling anxious and stressed and sick to myself or I stop giving a shit and ignore everything altogether.
But whatever it is you choose to do, I hope it works for you. You're a strong person; I know you can do it.
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I think that's what I do too? I dunno. But thanks, anyway, for the advice and faith. <3
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Everything seems a lot more important than relaxing, right?
But my English teacher said once that it's important to remember that no matter how big of a deal something is, you'll always have 15 minutes to relax and do something you want to do. And then go back to work. And then find that next timeslot you've got.
I don't know if it helps you at all. But it helped me with the guilt of taking it easy a bit sometimes, at least.
<333 ;;; good luck, Toss.
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Thanks. <333
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trust no oneparticipate in a group project and interact with your peers and so on. Just about everyone who's well past high school either barely remembers it or remembers the people they were with and the times they had, not the schoolwork itself. It seems like everything to you now, but I think you're probably well aware that it isn't going to be the whole world for much longer, and you're antsy to get the illusion that it is gone and over with.Same with university. Gods, by the time I got out of school entirely, it honestly scared me just how little I gave a shit about anything. Even though it was apathy that got me through sane, I now associate the feeling with negative, depressive times for myself, and I worry for myself more when I don't care than at any other time.
So you're certainly not alone in wanting to just chuck everything off and not do it, especially at this time of your life. But the sad fact of the matter is, yes, you have to; or at least you have to bullshit it enough to coast through, which is what I did toward the end of university. As to the things that are not school-related -- being that it's you, may I venture to suggest that you are a stubborn and contrary person by nature, and this probably has something to do with it? Sorry, but things like lifestyle changes that would save your teeth aren't going to work until you do want to do them, no matter how much you know, logically, that you need to do them. Whether you want to do them for the sake of the changes you will bring about or you want to do them out of spite, well, that's up to you. But, generally, I have found that knowing you should do something is not enough of a motivator. Find a way to make yourself want it, if you need to do it that much.
Since everyone else is likely going to keep offering hugs and I am not at all a huggy person, I will leave you now with the advice that my mother gave me in times like this: "A few more months is not that long when compared to the rest of your life. Put on your big-girl panties and deal with it."
My mother was a very sensible woman.
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And... yes, that is very likely it. I have tried, but... I don't know. Hnnng.
That is a good advice, though. I shall take it to heart. Now where did I put those panties...