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Building self-esteem
When my best (and only) friends left me the spring of 2007 I sort of had to do some serious work on my self-esteem because how the hell else was I going to survive basically completely on my own? And if you all know me, you ought to know that by now I have a lot where that comes from.
I am an amazing fucker.
I don't know if maybe I talk about it as if it's some easy thing when I give advice on how to view things and yourself to feel better about it, but I do know that it's really not. And I had the great luck of having a mother and family who have always been supportive and encouraged me to feel good about myself and be the best I can be while not being hard on myself about it etc etc, and a lot of people don't have that. I do know it's not easy, but I do know it can be done, and so I want to share a few pointers that I used, and still use, that I think are very important.
I don't claim to be an expert or anything, but I think that I have at least some decent knowledge of it, and I hope that it can be of at least some help for you.
And I don't know if you've heard them before; you might have. But I think they really do bear repeating, and punching into your head over and over again until you really start to believe them. I have no illusion that this is an easy thing either; it's not.
1.
You're fine as you are.
One thing my mum has always emphasised and said to me, and told me to say to myself, is "I am fine as I am". I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, no human is ever perfect. I'm not good at everything, you're not good at everything, no human is ever good at everything. And you know what? That is okay!
No one has any right to expect anyone to be perfect and no one has any right to expect anyone to always live up to their expectations, to always fit into these guidelines that humans apply to perfection, because there is no such thing. No one is perfect, so everyone is, etc etc. This is basically the best thing you can ever keep in mind about who you are and everything you do, and that's not to say you shouldn't work to get better and shouldn't aim to always try to be a better person, because you should. But always, always keep in mind that you are fine as you are. And no matter what anyone says, strive to make sure you know this and believe in it yourself.
2.
Be kind to yourself.
Okay, so you fucked up this one thing, and this thing didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, and this part of your body is shaped like that, and this part of your personality is utterly horrible oh god, and why the hell am I feeling so sad anyway there is nothing for me to be sad about this is stupid. Stop that, right now, all of those thoughts and beliefs that are putting you down. Stop berating yourself.
It's okay to slip up, it's okay to be flawed, it's okay to be sad, this is all okay. We all have our days, we all fuck up sometimes, it happens. It's good to be aware of your flaws for the sake of working on them, it's good to reflect on what you've done wrong to try to improve, but do not be hard on yourself. Take a breather, stop rolling over and over in your mind how horrible you are, and think okay, it's okay, I'm okay. You are not a completely horrible person, you are not a failure. I swear. And tell yourself this.
As far as your body goes... Again; you are not some form of definition of perfect - there is no such thing. You are fine as you are, you are beautiful. Stop telling yourself that you're ugly; try to bit by bit make yourself see yourself in a different light. It's not easy, but try.
I can't repeat it enough; it's okay to be sad. Your reasons for being so are your own and do not berate yourself for any of it. Take care of yourself instead; do things that make you happy, relax, take a break, aim to feel better. Even in the happiest times of your life you can find yourself suddenly feeling down for no particular reason, or reasons you could see as stupid, and that's okay. Really, it is.
3.
Find something that you like about yourself every day.
It can be something small, something like "this shirt looks very good on me" or "my hair looks good today", or something bigger - or more permanent - like "I am pretty awesome at writing" or "I always try my best to take care of my friends and that's a good thing". Every person has good and bad sides, and so do you. Don't get hung up on the bad; focus on the good!
4.
Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments.
There's not really a reason you shouldn't, right? Here you have just the situation to feel really damn good about yourself. You achieved something you were aiming for, completed something you'd been working on, cheered a friend up, etc etc. Doesn't have to be something big! It can be having a really damn awesome breakfast or vacuuming the living room or just taking a walk.
Whatever it is, you've done something so now you have every reason to think you're awesome. No matter what the situation, being excited about small things I say is always a good thing! In fact, that's even better if you're going through a rough time and it can be difficult to see the good in things. Think of a way to award yourself, either by treating yourself to something special or just taking a moment to breathe and just be. Congratulations!
5.
Accept compliments.
While you should hardly base your self-worth on the words of others, I do believe that how you take compliments reflects your self-esteem. If you always deny it when someone says something good about you, doesn't it just scream that you don't see it as true? I always tell people to accept compliments, take them to heart and say thanks.
If someone says you're awesome, beautiful, great at this, great at that etc etc, why not believe them? They see you from someone else's eyes, and you know how you always say you are always your own greatest critic. They look at you in a completely different way than you do and they actually bother telling you that there are good things about you. At least personally, I find giving compliments very difficult sometimes.
Believe them.
6.
Take care of yourself.
This is closely connected to being kind to yourself, but it's a little different. It's good to be a caring person and aim to be as good a friend as possible to those you love, but you cannot forget yourself. You are worth to feel good, you are worth stepping away from others to take care of sometimes. If you can't take care of yourself, you're not really any good to others either. Make sure that you are taken care of too.
And when it comes to choices of what's best for you, the only person who can really choose in the end is you. People can give advice, but never forget that you know yourself best. Sometimes, these decisions are very difficult, but always aim to take care of yourself above anything else. That is, if you can; it's not always that simple, sadly, but if you do have some form of restriction, then aim to do something about the smaller choices you can make to feel better.
And lastly:
Don't expect this to be easy or work overnight. It's really pretty much only now, after five years, that I feel as good about myself that I want to. This is a long and difficult process, I can't lie and say it's otherwise, and that's okay too. Everything is okay, so however long this takes, be patient, think of it as a step-by-step thing, try your best and don't be hard on yourself about it because that will only have an opposite effect.
It's really damn frustrating, I know. It's irritating how long it actually takes.
We live in a world where it's kind of considered weird to be very happy, and that can put you down, but don't let it do that. This is about you and the world is fucked up anyway.
But, no matter how difficult it may be, don't give up and think I can do this. We have more power over our minds and bodies than we think we do; we can get healthy simply by willing ourselves to, and whatever ridiculous ideas our minds are trying to punch into us we goddamn have the power to counter them. Fight yourself, you can do it.
And your well-being and happiness is worth fighting for. You are worth it.
I am an amazing fucker.
I don't know if maybe I talk about it as if it's some easy thing when I give advice on how to view things and yourself to feel better about it, but I do know that it's really not. And I had the great luck of having a mother and family who have always been supportive and encouraged me to feel good about myself and be the best I can be while not being hard on myself about it etc etc, and a lot of people don't have that. I do know it's not easy, but I do know it can be done, and so I want to share a few pointers that I used, and still use, that I think are very important.
I don't claim to be an expert or anything, but I think that I have at least some decent knowledge of it, and I hope that it can be of at least some help for you.
And I don't know if you've heard them before; you might have. But I think they really do bear repeating, and punching into your head over and over again until you really start to believe them. I have no illusion that this is an easy thing either; it's not.
1.
You're fine as you are.
One thing my mum has always emphasised and said to me, and told me to say to myself, is "I am fine as I am". I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, no human is ever perfect. I'm not good at everything, you're not good at everything, no human is ever good at everything. And you know what? That is okay!
No one has any right to expect anyone to be perfect and no one has any right to expect anyone to always live up to their expectations, to always fit into these guidelines that humans apply to perfection, because there is no such thing. No one is perfect, so everyone is, etc etc. This is basically the best thing you can ever keep in mind about who you are and everything you do, and that's not to say you shouldn't work to get better and shouldn't aim to always try to be a better person, because you should. But always, always keep in mind that you are fine as you are. And no matter what anyone says, strive to make sure you know this and believe in it yourself.
2.
Be kind to yourself.
Okay, so you fucked up this one thing, and this thing didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, and this part of your body is shaped like that, and this part of your personality is utterly horrible oh god, and why the hell am I feeling so sad anyway there is nothing for me to be sad about this is stupid. Stop that, right now, all of those thoughts and beliefs that are putting you down. Stop berating yourself.
It's okay to slip up, it's okay to be flawed, it's okay to be sad, this is all okay. We all have our days, we all fuck up sometimes, it happens. It's good to be aware of your flaws for the sake of working on them, it's good to reflect on what you've done wrong to try to improve, but do not be hard on yourself. Take a breather, stop rolling over and over in your mind how horrible you are, and think okay, it's okay, I'm okay. You are not a completely horrible person, you are not a failure. I swear. And tell yourself this.
As far as your body goes... Again; you are not some form of definition of perfect - there is no such thing. You are fine as you are, you are beautiful. Stop telling yourself that you're ugly; try to bit by bit make yourself see yourself in a different light. It's not easy, but try.
I can't repeat it enough; it's okay to be sad. Your reasons for being so are your own and do not berate yourself for any of it. Take care of yourself instead; do things that make you happy, relax, take a break, aim to feel better. Even in the happiest times of your life you can find yourself suddenly feeling down for no particular reason, or reasons you could see as stupid, and that's okay. Really, it is.
3.
Find something that you like about yourself every day.
It can be something small, something like "this shirt looks very good on me" or "my hair looks good today", or something bigger - or more permanent - like "I am pretty awesome at writing" or "I always try my best to take care of my friends and that's a good thing". Every person has good and bad sides, and so do you. Don't get hung up on the bad; focus on the good!
4.
Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments.
There's not really a reason you shouldn't, right? Here you have just the situation to feel really damn good about yourself. You achieved something you were aiming for, completed something you'd been working on, cheered a friend up, etc etc. Doesn't have to be something big! It can be having a really damn awesome breakfast or vacuuming the living room or just taking a walk.
Whatever it is, you've done something so now you have every reason to think you're awesome. No matter what the situation, being excited about small things I say is always a good thing! In fact, that's even better if you're going through a rough time and it can be difficult to see the good in things. Think of a way to award yourself, either by treating yourself to something special or just taking a moment to breathe and just be. Congratulations!
5.
Accept compliments.
While you should hardly base your self-worth on the words of others, I do believe that how you take compliments reflects your self-esteem. If you always deny it when someone says something good about you, doesn't it just scream that you don't see it as true? I always tell people to accept compliments, take them to heart and say thanks.
If someone says you're awesome, beautiful, great at this, great at that etc etc, why not believe them? They see you from someone else's eyes, and you know how you always say you are always your own greatest critic. They look at you in a completely different way than you do and they actually bother telling you that there are good things about you. At least personally, I find giving compliments very difficult sometimes.
Believe them.
6.
Take care of yourself.
This is closely connected to being kind to yourself, but it's a little different. It's good to be a caring person and aim to be as good a friend as possible to those you love, but you cannot forget yourself. You are worth to feel good, you are worth stepping away from others to take care of sometimes. If you can't take care of yourself, you're not really any good to others either. Make sure that you are taken care of too.
And when it comes to choices of what's best for you, the only person who can really choose in the end is you. People can give advice, but never forget that you know yourself best. Sometimes, these decisions are very difficult, but always aim to take care of yourself above anything else. That is, if you can; it's not always that simple, sadly, but if you do have some form of restriction, then aim to do something about the smaller choices you can make to feel better.
And lastly:
Don't expect this to be easy or work overnight. It's really pretty much only now, after five years, that I feel as good about myself that I want to. This is a long and difficult process, I can't lie and say it's otherwise, and that's okay too. Everything is okay, so however long this takes, be patient, think of it as a step-by-step thing, try your best and don't be hard on yourself about it because that will only have an opposite effect.
It's really damn frustrating, I know. It's irritating how long it actually takes.
We live in a world where it's kind of considered weird to be very happy, and that can put you down, but don't let it do that. This is about you and the world is fucked up anyway.
But, no matter how difficult it may be, don't give up and think I can do this. We have more power over our minds and bodies than we think we do; we can get healthy simply by willing ourselves to, and whatever ridiculous ideas our minds are trying to punch into us we goddamn have the power to counter them. Fight yourself, you can do it.
And your well-being and happiness is worth fighting for. You are worth it.